


Confrontation

by Ren (mizdarknezz3)



Series: Wesley's Secret [1]
Category: Angel: the Series
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Pining, Pre-Relationship, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-12
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-20 05:46:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30000189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mizdarknezz3/pseuds/Ren
Summary: Wesley is on watch for Angelus when Angelus brings up one of his oldest secrets. How will the others react?
Series: Wesley's Secret [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2216946
Comments: 4
Kudos: 3





	Confrontation

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I'm Ren and I'm posting another Wesley self harm fic because I projecting is fun. This takes place sometime during season four and I'm pretending that Cordelia isn't possessed or at least can fight through the possession to talk to her friend in a good conversation. I hope you all enjoy!

Wesley had been sitting in the uncomfortable chair trying to get any information out of Angelus for two hours. At this point he was pretty sure the others upstairs had stopped listening because Angelus was just reminiscing about old murders. But he had to be watched at all times and Wesley was the most suited to do it. His arms itched though, he wasn't surprised that they did after all the comments Angelus made. He found himself scratching lightly. It wasn't the sensation his skin craved but it helped. 

"So what was it like carving into your own skin Wes?" Angelus asked suddenly and Wesley immediately stopped scratching. He didn't bother to answer the vampire, that would just be giving him a reaction, which is exactly what he wanted. "Don't be shy, we've all seen the scars. Well except Fred but she was bound to find out anyway. I'm sure most people could guess they were there just by looking at you." Angelus went on. Wesley ground his teeth and waited. He kept his grip on the crossbow tight. "Did it feel good? Did it get you off? Or was it more of a self sacrificing thing? Did you feel like you were doing the hard thing, what was best for everyone? You know I doubt anyone here would mind if you just did the big cut." Wesley glared at the vampire who just smiled at him. "I wonder how many times you considered it, sitting in the cupboard in the dark. What stopped you? Wait let me guess, you were too scared." Wesley bit back his response. He had known he had a duty and he had wanted to fulfill it. He hadn't wanted to bring more shame down on his family. He didn't want to die as his fathers failure. "What keeps you going Wes? What is it about this world that makes it worth it for you? Is it the impossible mission? Or is sex with Lilah really that great? Do you have her cut you up? Any new scars we should know about Wesley?" Angelus went on and Wesley must have twitched because Angelus started laughing. "I knew it! You know Angel could smell blood on you after that disastrous memory spell but he didn't care enough to ask. So is it really Lilah or did you start again? Couldn't handle your friends leaving you behind?" Angelus laughed and Wesley readjusted his grip on the crossbow trying not to give into the urge of shooting Angelus to make him shut up. He heard the door open and the thumps of someone coming down the stairs. It was Cordelia.

"Your shift is over, my turn." She told him and Wesley was pretty sure she was wrong but she had that look she got when she wasn't going to listen to any protests, so he handed over the crossbow and went upstairs. The others were all looking at him, except Connor. Fred and Lorne with unhidden concern and Gunn with glances that seemed angry. 

"Wesley, what was he talking about? You're not hurt right?" Fred asked in that innocent tone of voice. The one that reminded him there was good in the world. The one that always reminded him that he was too damaged for her.

"It's nothing Fred." He told her and found some weapons to busy his hands with. 

"I don't think it is honey, I haven't mentioned it but lately your aura has been screaming." Lorne said and Wesley bit back the part of himself that wanted to question Lorne for hours on what that meant and what it was like to see auras. 

"I'm fine." He answered instead and Gunn tsked mumbling under his breath.

"Yeah right."

"Is there a problem?" Wesley asked because picking a fight was easier than trying to talk about his problems. That's one of the reasons he liked Lilah, she didn't ask.

"You suddenly coming up here acting like macho man and thinking you're still in charge? Yeah that's a problem." Gunn said but before Wesley could respond Fred stepped between them.

"Wesley, we want to know what's wrong. If you're hurt we need to know." She told him and he pulled his sleeve down further unconsciously. He saw Gunn’s eyes dart down. 

"I told you I'm fine Fred, there's nothing you all need to worry about. We should focus on what we've extracted from Angelus." Wesley said, trying to divert their attention.

"He asked you how it felt to cut into your own skin. Why?" Conner asked, his head tilted and it was an innocent question. The boy was still ignorant of many things in the world. 

"It doesn't matter-" Wesley tried again but Fred interrupted him.

"Uh yeah it kinda does! We don't want you hurting yourself!" She was shouting and Wesley was sure Angelus could hear. This had probably been what he wanted, to distract them.

"What I do in my spare time is none of your business. He's trying to distract us, this isn't important right now." Wesley explained unable to look into Fred's horrified face. 

"It is our business if you take your death wish out with you onto the battlefield. I ain't risking my ass out there fighting to protect you if you're trying to get killed." Gunn snapped and Wesley pinched the bridge of his nose trying not to give into frustration.

"I don't have a death wish, you don't need to worry about me on the battlefield. What we need to focus on is the beasts connection with Angelus." Wesley pushed.

“Yeah, I’m completely convinced that the guy slicing up his own arms doesn’t have a death wish.” Gunn replied, rolling his eyes. Fred turned on Gunn sharply.

“Charles! Do you really have to act like this right now? Wesley is hurt!” Fred snapped.

“He hurt himself! That’s not our problem, the only problem I have with it is if it hurts us.” Gunn replied. That stung more than Wesley would have thought it would have but he just grit his teeth. 

“How could you say that?” Fred asked with accusing eyes, taking a step back from Gunn. 

“It really doesn’t matter, we can’t fight like this between ourselves, it’s exactly what Angelus was trying to do in the first place.” Wesley added and Fred turned back to him with a fire in her eyes. She marched over to him and grabbed his arm tight making it sting. He pulled back from her automatically and ripped his arm out of her grip.

“If it’s nothing then let me see Wesley.” Fred said in a not so pleasant voice. One that reminded him of the kids that had found out when he was still at the academy. Everyone else knew that he had scars before this, but he had never wanted to let Fred see. He didn’t want her to know what he had done to himself. He didn’t want her to view him as weak, or pathetic. Disgusting as another girl had pointed out to him. He still didn’t want her to see. Especially now that he had started again. He didn’t want any of them to see. How much pain he was in, how much pain he caused himself. They weren’t his friends anymore, not really. They all left him, Charles could barely stand him, Cordelia barely talked to him. Angel said he forgave him but they both knew that things could never be the same again. Wesley had ruined everything he had. So he made himself a new life. But he still ended up back here. Looking into warm brown eyes that held both anger and worry. Before he could respond, come up with some sort of excuse that didn’t make him feel or seem pathetic, a noise from the television they were watching Angelus on caught their attention. They all turned to the screen only to see Angelus choking Cordelia who had gotten too close to the cage. They all rushed down there, Conner at the head despite having originally been the furthest away. Conner ripped Angelus’ hand off Cordelia’s throat and Fred and Lorne were there helping Cordelia up. They led her back up the stairs and Gunn picked up the crossbow and gave Wesley a look that made it clear he wasn’t needed. So he went back upstairs, saw he wasn’t needed there either, and retreated to his temporary room to try and get some rest.

* * *

It was the middle of the night and Wesley was supposed to be sleeping, but it was Fred’s turn to watch Angelus and Wesley couldn’t rest when she was down there alone with him. So he stayed up and sat by the television, reading a book in order to try and find more clues on the beast. Angelus was taunting Fred about her relationship with Gunn and Wesley’s feelings towards her. Fred for her part was as strong as ever. She didn’t react, giving Angelus no sort of ammo to work with. Still the vampire kept talking. The sound of footsteps alerted Wesley to someone else’s presence and he turned to look to see Cordelia walking down the stairs. She had a dark bruise around her throat that looked painful to the touch and made Wesley think of his own scar in such a similar place. Cordelia sat down by him not saying anything at first, just watching and listening to Angelus ramble on. 

“You know, the first time I noticed them I didn’t think much of them. It was just a quick glimpse while you were at the hospital after the explosion. I only really got a good look at them after you were shot. You were laying there, all pale in your hospital gown and I was forced to realize that I had never really seen your bare arms before, and they were small, like twig sized. But when you would reach for things I could see on your inner arm these white and pink lines, and I couldn’t figure out where you would have gotten them from. At first I thought you must have been a cat guy and just attacked a lot, but the more I looked at them the more I realized that a cat’s scratches wouldn’t be so uniform. I couldn’t wrap my head around it, but you looked so tired and pathetic in that hospital so I didn’t want to bother you by asking about them. And it never really came across my mind again.” Cordelia explained and Wesley tensed but listened. He didn’t really know what to say to that. That he was grateful that she never brought it up? He didn’t get a chance to continue pondering because she continued. 

“At one point I was convinced your dad had done it. I mean, he seems like a real tool when you talk about him so it wouldn’t have surprised me if he had cut you too. Gunn and Angel never mentioned it. I considered asking one of them if they knew but I was worried they’d get all guy code on me or something. I definitely wasn’t going to talk about it with Fred. I mean I love the girl but I really doubted this was something you’d go to your crush about. So I asked Lorne about them. And he told me in this really convoluted way that you had done it to yourself. He assured me that you weren’t doing it anymore and that I didn’t have to worry about that. I was baffled. I mean, why would anyone, especially someone as great as Wesley Wyndam Pryce, hurt themselves on purpose? I thought maybe you had just done a lot of spells as a kid, but then why would Lorne reassure me so much that you weren’t doing it anymore when I’ve seen you cut yourself for magic? I still don’t get it, even after everything, I don’t understand why you would just hurt yourself on purpose.” Cordelia said, looking him in the eyes. He looked away and swallowed. Part of him wanted to snap back that it wasn’t any of her business anymore, that she had left him just like the others. But part of him knew that this was Cordelia, and he remembered all the time they had spent together. She deserved an explanation. 

“It helps me feel in control. It helps make the pain I feel, feel real.” He tried to explain, but it felt insufficient in his head. He wasn’t sure how to explain something as complicated as this. Or was it complicated? He felt the need to cut himself when he was upset, so he did. He needed a way to numb himself, to drown out the rest of his head, and pain worked the best. When he fucked up he needed a way to punish himself, and so he cut. There were many reasons why he did it, and it wasn’t the same reason every time. 

“You don’t feel enough pain from all the bruises you get fighting all the time?” Cordelia asked with a strained smile, he gave one of his own back.

“Not the right kind of pain.” He answered. Cordelia looked down letting her brown hair fall into her face. Her hands were on her lap. When she looked back up again her eyes were glossy.

“How bad is it Wes?” She asked and it was Wesley's turn to look down. He pulled down his sleeves without thinking. 

“It’s… It looks worse than it is.” He responded, because he knew truthfully he was at the worst he’s ever been. That the cuts weren’t neat and organized like before, they were everywhere crossing over each other. Some of them done in a drunken rage and some of them done with sober precision to make them as deep as he could without making it life threatening. He wouldn’t die from any of them, but he did know that his arm looked bad. So bad in fact that even Lilah had looked concerned the last time she left. That answer didn’t seem to help Cordelia and she held out her hands.

“Can I see? Just to make sure?” She asked and Wesley hesitated before giving in. She would see that they weren’t that bad and they could move on and focus on what was important. She took his arm very gently and undid the buttons on his shirt keeping his sleeve tight around his bony wrist. She lifted up the sleeve to reveal his mutilated arm and she gasped and put a hand over her mouth. She stared for a moment before launching herself at Wesley hugging him tightly. Wesley wasn’t prepared for the hug and sat in shock for a moment before slowly wrapping his arms around her and rubbing her back. 

“I’m so sorry you’re hurting so much. I swear that from now on we’re going to be there. You won’t feel the need to do this anymore.” Cordelia said, her voice wet. Wesley swallowed and nodded, desperately wanting to believe her but unable to bring himself to. She pulled back and took a moment to compose herself which he looked away for, a dance the two had done more than once, although not in recent times. Wesley pulled his sleeve back down and the two of them watched the body of their friend spew out atrocities. It reminded him of back in the day when Angel was drugged and became Angelus, and it was just the two of them trying to bring their friend back. Cordelia rested her hand on his own and they stayed there throughout the rest of the night. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading I hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you thought below, I'd love to hear it :D Stay safe and have a lovely day!


End file.
